Oh Hell No
by Nanosecond
Summary: It was just another boring day. Levi cleaning, Eren being forced to clean at boot-point, Hanji killing everyone's brain cells with her lectures... Then a book labeled 'Ereri Fanfiction' appears mysteriously. By sheer misfortune, both Eren and Levi decide to read it. Let's just hope Eren can still regenerate his limbs by the time Levi is done murdering him. One-shot.


Oh Hell No

* * *

The weeks after returning from the tragically failed scouting trip were quite uneventful, with Levi acting only vaguely affected by the deaths of all the members of his squad except for Eren. By 'vaguely effected', Eren means the captain is complaining more about the dirt gathering in their temporary residence because there weren't enough slaves- sorry, soldiers, to help him on his endeavors to banish every speck of visible dust to whichever Walls-damned place their dead teammates were residing in now. It didn't help that the broken leg Levi had suffered during the fight with the Female Titan only made him more prone to giving out sinister death glares to inanimate objects when his injured leg failed to aid him against the offending dust particles.

Of course, Hanji often came to visit for the single purpose of torturing valuable information out of Eren with her agonising six-hour long lectures about how interesting the Titan's arms were, or why most Titans resembled overweight couch-potatoes ( _At least they didn't all look like horses. That's Jean's specialty_. Eren thought dully as all his brain cells packed their bags and slowly exited his head via his right ear to escape Hanji's speech about how friendly she found the Titan's smiles to be). Levi always seemed to know when Hanji was coming in advance no matter how sneaky she tried to be, and would excuse himself from the room without fail just before Hanji creeps through the door quietly in the vain hopes of catching him unawares. Maybe all the tea he drinks (Eren still can't figure out how all those gallons of tea can fit in such a small person) heightens his awareness or something.

So, in short, nothing interesting happened anymore. Well, almost nothing, if you don't count the time Hanji made a joke about a cadet finding Levi's secret stash of Windex and the said captain happened to be in hearing range (No surprise there. Levi's hearing range extends to at least a fifty-mile radius). Let's just say the captain has a very good death stare, and that Hanji left very quickly indeed.

But this one day, there was an atmosphere of something interesting about to happen lingering in the air. There was, however, also the chance that it was the smell of the bleach Levi insisted on using on every surface of the house.

Eren was cleaning the attic. Apparently the captain wasn't satisfied with the previous three times he'd done it, and had ordered him to do it again. By pure coincidence, after Eren got back from Levi's scolding, he discovered a freshly laid bird shit on the windowsill which hadn't been there before. So he did what anyone would do when harassed by a slave-driving midget.

He shouted in anger and threw his broom out the window, and stomped back downstairs to give Shorty an insight on just how unfair he felt the situation was.

Eren found the offending midget in the dining hall by himself, reading from a leather-bound book. There was a smashed teacup on the ground, which was kinda strange due to the captain's almost disturbing obsession with neatness (You'd think the most skilled warrior in human history wouldn't carry luggage that was 90% cleaning products and wear weird napkin thingies on his head while cleaning in his spare time) Eren ignored the little detail and stalked up to Levi with the intention of giving him a piece of his mind, but was stopped short at the last second.

Levi's face looked like a strange mixture of disgusted green, and bright red. It somehow reminded Eren of one of those red-and-green Christmas elves people stick in the garden during Christmas. When he heard Eren's footsteps, Levi snapped his head up and looked towards the approaching boy. All the colour drained from his face, leaving it even paler than it was before. Which was quite an accomplishment, considering that he had spent most of his life underground, and had therefore developed an extremely pale complexion.

"Um..." Eren stuttered eloquently, suddenly at a loss for words. Levi dropped the book he was reading as if it was a snot-filled handkerchief, and stood up in a hurry. It was slightly comical to see the normally graceful captain seemingly in a panic.

"Have you finished cleaning yet, brat?" Levi muttered, not looking at Eren.

"N-no s-"

"Whatever, useless imbecile." He walked very quickly to the door. Too quickly, like there was something he wanted to avoid in the room.

"Captain Levi, sir, where are you going?" Eren asked. Levi was acting like there was some sort of emergency. The captain paused with his hand on the doorknob, regaining his composure.

 _"Tch,_ I'm going to clean the house, of course. Any more stupid questions?"

"But sir, you did that five minutes ago."

"Then I'll sweep the courtyard." He scowled, turning to go, but the insistent imbecile refused to drop the subject.

"You did that twenty minutes ago." Eren was properly confused now. Was Hanji on her way or something? If so, then he'd better find a place to hide himself.

"Then I'm going on a killing spree in the bloody forest. You can finish the attic. If you're not finished by the time I come back I'll personally deliver you to Hanji, shitty brat."

Eren shuddered. He'd rather jump off Wall Rose into the mouth of a Titan and die with his mind intact, thank you very much. Of course, the next bird to shit on the windowsill is going to end up at the wrong end of his sword.

Just before Levi left the room, he turned around and fixed Eren with a very cold stare that promised transformation into Titan chow. "Get rid of the book. I never want to see it again. And don't you _dare_ read it, brat. I'll cut your eyes out." With that, he left, slamming the door behind him.

 _What did I do this time?_ Eren thought miserably.

Then he spotted the book out of the corner of his eye, and a bit of his old rebellious fire flared up. If Levi was so against him reading that book, then of course he had to read it. No one pissed off the tiny captain unless they wanted a funeral within the week, but Eren was too annoyed to care.

Eren picked up the book and looked at its cover. It was labelled _Ereri Fanfiction,_ without any decoration on the front. Eren opened it to the first page and started reading.

* * *

 _An hour later..._

* * *

Eren was sweating profusely, and his mind was going through torture a thousand times worse than Hanji's speeches. He desperately wished he could put the disturbing book down, but some kind of gruesome fascination held him in place and forced him to keep reading, and he just couldn't believe how anyone's mind could be as twisted as this.

Finally, it was over. Eren threw the book down and bolted outside and vomited, mind reeling in horror. He could understand exactly why Levi acted the way he did now.

 _Oh my god how can anyone think of these disturbing things?!_

Some time later, he got around to finishing his job of cleaning the attic after he retrieved the broom from the courtyard. As mentally scarred as he was, he really didn't want to get handed to Hanji on a silver platter. If he saw Levi again, though, he might puke all over him, which would most likely lead to an untimely death for Eren.

Eren sighed in relief as he finished wiping down the window. He prepared to go back downstairs, but something outside the window caught his attention.

Hanji had the green leather-bound book in her hands, and was reading it.

Uh oh.

All sorts of alarm bells started ringing in Eren's head, and before he knew it, he was jumping out of the window, shrieking the way Armin does when he sees a Titan chasing him.

On his way down, Eren screamed something that he would later deny when questioned at bootpoint by Levi as having been _"My secret must not be discovered!"_.

* * *

"Hmmm..." Hanji mused to herself as she read out aloud. " _And as Eren gazed into the most beautiful silver eyes he had ever seen, he whispered:"I love you, Heichou."_

 _"Levi smiled for the first time since the death of his dearest friends and locked his eyes on the other boy's aquamarine orbs. "Same back to you, shitty brat." he said sincerely."_

 _"As they inched closer to each other, pulled by an unseen force neither could, nor was willing to resist-"_

A screaming Titan dropped out of the sky and interrupted Hanji in the middle of her sentence.

Eren's Titan form howled, and somehow snatched the offending book off Hanji without breaking any of her limbs. The massive humanoid gathered as much strength as he could, and threw the book all the way over Wall Rose to touch down somewhere in Wall Maria lands, hitting a Titan or three on the head in the process and saving the lives of the Scouts they were preparing to devour.

"Oh, come on, you spoilsport!" Hanji complained, not at all bothered by the massive screaming Titan overhead. "You and Short Stuff were just about to kiss!"

Meanwhile in his Titan body, Eren was having troubles of his own. His mind was starting to cloud over with thoughts of blood, and the hunger for human flesh. Unwillingly, he took one step after another, muscles straining, towards a cluster of human heat points he sensed in a nearby building. Slowly, he raised a shaking fist, preparing to smash the roof and savour the delicious little humans-

The sound of rushing wind and a rasp of steel whooshed past his giant elf ears, and he was suddenly being pulled out of his Titan flesh into the cold evening air. A pair of arms looped under his own, pulling him free of the falling body.

 _Huh_ , Eren thought dazedly. _I think my limbs are still intact._ He mused distractedly to himself, remembering the time Levi promised to cut his arms and legs off if he ever had to slice him out of his Titan form.

"That's the way, brat! If you wanted to go back to court and get the fuck kicked out of you again so badly, you could have just told me, useless shit!" A voice snarled in his ear.

The person landed on the roof of the building and grabbed Eren's collar, lifting his face to meet a pair of furious silver orbs. "Do not try that again, worthless idiot! The fucking court will kill you next time you go out of control, no matter how much shit I beat out of your sorry ass. Do you hear me, Jaeger?!" The raven head spat angrily. It was the first time Eren had seen the normally cool and levelheaded captain this agitated, and he wondered at the amount of anger such a tiny body could contain.

Eren nodded submissively. Then, realising how close Levi's face was to his, he blushed a whole new shade of red so bright no one else had ever seen it.

Levi also seemed to notice this, as he immediately released his hold on Eren's collar. Being unable to support himself for the moment, his head connected with the roof tiles, sending stars across his vision.

"I know you read the fucking book." Levi hissed. "I am _not_ fucking in love with you, under _any_ fucking circumstances. Got that, fuckwit?"

Eren nodded again. He didn't harbour any positive feelings towards Short Stuff, either.

Although...

Eren had to admit, Levi _did_ have very pretty eyes.

* * *

 _Half a month later..._

* * *

A young Scout currently on an expedition in Wall Maria territory caught a flash of green in the corner of her vision as she zipped past a ruined building. Letting herself down with her ODM gear, she wondered to herself as she picked up the leather-bound book.

 _This could contain valuable knowledge. It's a wonder this thing survived all these years after Wall Maria's fall._ She mused to herself as she tucked it under her jacket.

 _Better bring it back for Commander Erwin- he'll want to see it._

* * *

 **I do not actually ship Ereri. In fact, I don't ship any pairing at all. This fic is kinda inspired by a Try Not To Laugh video on Attack on Titan. There was a bit where Eren and Levi are reading Ereri fanfiction and are totally grossed out. I cracked up really badly and failed the challenge. And since my muse seemed to have run away for my other stories, I decided to write this one as an attempt to get rid of my writer's block. It's also the first humor fic I've ever written, so... I hope it was good?**

 **Again, I don't actually ship Ereri because I don't actually ship anything.**

 **Seriously, every time Levi saves Eren's worthless butt from becoming Titan chow, I could almost hear the Ereri fans behind the screen shrieking _Yes! Yes! Yes! Now kiss him!_**

 **It gives me mental headaches every time. But hey, I guess it's not as bad as Eruri. I'm still having nightmares about those eyebrows.**


End file.
